Lullaby and Good Night

A mother showed me a new-baby greeting card she’d just received. It read: "I know you will be able to rise to the occasion... about eight times a night." She was too tired to laugh. Truth is, the card was close to accurate. Sleepless nights are a fact of new parents’ lives. When this new mom, like many others, asked, "How do I get my 7 week old to sleep through the night?" I answered, "You can’t--but you can expect to be up two to four times." Infants just aren’t programmed to sleep through the night. They need nourishment at regular intervals around the clock, because they don’t have the capacity for large quantities of food. (If you’re "lucky" enough to have an infant who sleeps for long periods, your doctor may advise you to wake him.) There is no good reason for infants to sleep straight through except to have happier parents in the morning. In pursuit of this happiness, tired moms have been known to try just about anything. But it’s a myth, for example, that giving a baby cereal in the bottle at night will fill him up, or that a breastfeeding mother who drinks wine can lull the baby to sleep. (As for the former idea, if baby’s not allergic to cereal, try it; for the latter, babies don’t sleep sounder because mom drank wine.)

The good news is that breast fed infants do tend to fall asleep more often while they are feeding, but they wake up about every 2 to 3 hours. On the other hand, bottle-fed babies can take in more calories per ounce of milk (breast milk is thinner), and they frequently sleep about 3 to 4 hours at a time. There are no short cuts to lengthening your infant’s sleeping sessions, but you can help smooth nature’s own transition in sleep patterns, which occurs at about 5 months of age. Except for the very first few weeks, when nothing should come between you and your baby’s body, don’t encourage baby to fall asleep on you every time. Babies can eventually learn to put themselves to sleep, but they won’t welcome going "cold turkey" from rocking on a nice, warm body to being laid in a crib.

Tip: When baby starts to fall asleep--eyelids fluttering--carry him to the crib before he’s fast asleep. As for the crib, a baby should have only pleasant associations with it. Don’t use it as a holding pen and put her in it as an angry or punishing gesture. The crib can be an ally for the first two years--don’t make it an enemy. When you put the baby to sleep, the last thing he remembers before falling asleep will be the first thing he searches for during the night when brain waives lighten. If it was your arms or a bottle, and neither is at hand, crying will invariably follow. If you use a pacifier to put your child to sleep, put several in the crib, so he can discover it for himself. Don’t get into the habit of leaving a bottle each time he wakens, the contents can cause tooth decay and present a choking hazard.

ALL NIGHT LONG

At about 5 months, or when an infant has doubled the birth weight, it’s no longer necessary to wake the baby up for feeding. Brain wave patterns of sleep and waking have matured somewhat, and the baby can now sleep for increasingly longer periods. Don’t expect, though, that sleep will just naturally follow when you put the baby down in that crib. Let her know it’s bedtime. You might dim the lights, pull the shades, quiet the house by turning down the television. Send messages that it’s now sleepytime--even by saying out loud, "Now we’re going to sleep." Start developing a bedtime ritual, and decide how long it should last. Babies pick up on your signals, if you don’t have an end point to the ritual, your baby won’t either. The sequence might be two lullabies, one cuddle-kiss, and a trip around the room saying good night to the toys. If you’re all for informed baby consent, then say "Tonight when we go to sleep, we’ll read Winnie the Pooh, sing ‘Daddy’s gonna buy you a diamond ring’, and then you’re out." When the ritual’s over, put the baby in his crib and rub or pat his back for a few moments. Turn on any record, or wind up any musical toy, that baby likes to hear. Remember, it’s hard for a baby to just let go of you, so don’t be surprised if he whimpers or whines a little. Going to sleep is a kind of separation, and a little distress is normal.

THE 10-MINUTE RULE

If your baby continues to cry, wait 5 to 10 minutes--the time it should take him to fall asleep. That’s also about as long as a baby can picture you without panicking at your absence, and as long as most parents can reasonably tolerate the "noise." If the crying doesn’t stop, then return to the room at about 10-minute intervals. I don’t believe in letting a baby "cry himself to sleep." One popular child care book advocates waiting increasingly longer periods to check up on baby; in my experience, this usually makes the baby scream louder and longer because that increases the chances of someone coming back. I’ve had parents who followed that advice report that the police showed up after neighbors feared for the baby’s safety. If you do go back in, remember: Less is best. Say almost nothing. ("Shh. Go back to sleep.") Briefly reassure the baby you’re there. Don’t give a bottle, and never pick the baby up unless you want to get her up. If you reward the baby for waking up by playing, she has no good reason to go back to sleep. Keep checking at 10-minutes intervals as long as the baby continues to cry. The same logic applies if baby goes to sleep readily at 20h00 but wakes up crying at two in the morning. It should take about a week to get your baby to adapt to a more mature sleeping pattern and to learn that going to sleep, and staying there, can be pleasant. If your baby ever breaks with a regular pattern and suddenly cries out, investigate promptly. A normally good sleeper can temporarily become a "bad" one if he isn’t feeling well. If a baby isn’t well--say, with colic or a fever--then all bets are off, hold him, rock him, whatever it takes to comfort.

SLEEP AND THE TODDLER

Most sleep battles are won by the time a baby is a year old. Now, if he cries, you’re dealing with a child who can stand up and really rattle his "cage"--and the results can be trying. Mothers call and say, "He’s crying so hard." But crying softly doesn’t make sense if the goal is to wake up a parent for some attention in the middle of the night. The 10-minute rule still applies; he needs to be patted on the back and reassured. Babies get up for many reasons. They may be frightened. Help them feel safe, perhaps by adding a night light or simply by reassuring them that you’re there, and the monsters aren’t. (There are many wonderful books that address children’s nighttime fears.)

At about 18 months, when a child can get out of the crib, she’s very likely to get up several times a night and visit you in your bed. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the "family bed," but once a child has slept with you, it’s a difficult habit to break. It’s a lifestyle decision, but unless you welcome this little guest, you’ll have to prevent her from getting out of her room and into yours. It will take plenty of patience, but your child can be taught to sleep in his own room. Put a chair or stool outside the door, bring a book, and prepare to just sit there. As soon as he toddles out, turn him around and walk him right back in. Tell him, "I’m right here, and I’ll stay here as long as you’re up. I won’t let anyone or anything come in." Skip the lectures during the night, but talk to your child during the day about the importance of sleeping in one’s own bed. Bedtime frustrations may sometimes seem endless, but your efforts will pay off eventually in good sleep habits for everyone later on.